Thursday, May 17, 2012

Commencement at Snowflake College

Time again for the annual commencement ceremony at Snowflake College.

It’s an informal affair, sans academic regalia.  The college president and several of the trustees are in attendance.  Dean Kimpossible officiates.  The venue is small, with students, families, and faculty crammed cheek to jowl in a few rows of folding chairs.  Mood music plays softly on the public address system.  The overall effect is a cross between a kindergarten graduation and a New Age encounter session.

Following perfunctory remarks from the president, Dean Kimpossible delivers an uplifting discourse on the limitless vistas greeting Snowflake’s graduates, her voice occasionally breaking with emotion: “You are extraordinary! You are the author of your life!” 

Concluding her stirring commentary on living and learning, Kimpossible introduces the class valedictorian.   He’s Kenyon Smith-Jones-Abramowitz, one of a large brood of siblings lately popping up in Snowflake’s classrooms.  Kenyon’s a double major in yoga and bead-stringing with a 4.0 average who, Kimpossible tells us, epitomizes the very sort of young person Snowflake College strives to produce.   

(Kenyon, an amiable oaf sporting a scraggly beard and sunglasses, shambles up to the podium. Shifting his weight from foot to foot like a five year old with a full bladder and periodically brushing his hair from his eyes, he addresses the audience.) 

“I gotta say, I had a hard time coming up with something to talk about.  When Kimpossible asked me to give the commencement speech, I was like, ‘No way!’  And she’s like, ‘Way!’  So, I came up with something.  Here it is…

“I was sitting at home the other night, and I got to wondering: How do they get toothpaste into the tube?  Cuz it’s like, sticky, y’know?  So, I called up a friend and asked him what he thought. 

“He didn’t know, either.  And I’m like, ‘D-u-u-d-e!’  And he’s like, ‘D-u-u-d-e!’  And I’m like, ‘I know!’

(Knowing laughter from the audience)

“Then, I posted the question on my Facebook page.   Half an hour later, one of my professors posted a reply.  And she’s, like, wondering the same thing.  How does the toothpaste get into the tube?

(More laughter)

“So, I guess what I’m saying is, like, it’s great to have professors who share your curiosity like the ones we have at Snowflake College.  Stay curious, okay?  Thanks!”    

(Enthusiastic cheering as Kenyon slouches back to his seat, flashing the peace sign to his classmates.  Deeply moved by the gravitas of his oration, Kimpossible smiles fawningly at Kenyon whilst brushing a small tear from the corner of her eye.)

“Thank you, Kenyon, for such a heartwarming example of how closely our faculty and students work together to answer life’s questions, big and small. 

“Now it’s time for our graduates to accept their diplomas.  As I call your name, please come forward.”

As they walk across the stage, Kimpossible says a few words about each student, punctuated by raucous audience approbation:

“Brytnye is graduating with a degree in graphic rock gardening.  She loves nature, so her post-graduation plan is to get an owl tattoo on her right shoulder!”

“Kessler is receiving his degree in canine hypnosis.  Kessler will spend this summer in Nepal meditating to unravel his bellybutton!”

“Josh is graduating with a certificate in frolf course management.  He’s going to snowboard the Matterhorn next month—let’s hope he catches serious air!”

“Danni has almost finished her associate’s in arboreal aesthetics.  Close enough!  You know we couldn’t let your friends graduate without you!”

“Peyton is receiving a diploma in freeform collage design.  Peyton and her life journey partner, Brad, will have their commitment ceremony in two weeks.  We’re so excited for them!”

And so on.  At the end of it all, Dean Kimpossible offers her closing benediction: “As you go forth today, remember this—On your diploma, if you read between the lines, are the words, ‘You are fabulous, and the world loves you!’”

And with that, another graduating class of Snowflake College is ushered into an eagerly awaiting world. 

   

© 2012 The Unassuming Scholar




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