I couldn’t bear to watch. I much prefer a little playlet I posted a
while back about the future of medicine, which seems to have arrived sooner
than anticipated. Here it is again, for
your reading pleasure:
I have this recurring scenario which runs
through my head whenever I think of the day when I must entrust my health to
today’s youth. It goes something like
this: I’m undergoing a major procedure, let’s say open heart surgery. My life depends upon a successful
outcome. And the next-oldest person in
the OR is twenty years my junior…
Scene: The Operating Room.
Time: The not-so-distant future.
The PATIENT is already prepped and on
the table. Enter DR. CHELSEA, DR.
TIFFANY, DR. TODD, NURSE BRITNEY, and NURSE JOSH.
DR.
CHELSEA
DR.
TODD
Yeah,
we good.
DR.
TIFFANY
Wait…Chelsea,
have you, like, ever done this procedure before? Do you even
know what to do?
DR.
CHELSEA
(Scoffs)
Huh,
yeah! I totally looked it up on
Wikipedia!
DR.
TIFFANY
Oh,
wow! That’s such a great idea! I’m so doing that next time!
DR.
CHELSEA
(Smugly)
Yeah,
well, that’s why I was first in my medical school class!
(Turns to NURSE BRITNEY)
Scalpel,
please.
(NURSE BRITNEY seems distracted as she hands
DR. CHELSEA the scalpel.)
What’s
wrong, Britney?
NURSE
BRITNEY
(Tearfully, her voice quavering…)
It’s
Dr. Jared. He…he…unfriended me on Facebook! I…I…just don’t know what to d-d-do…
(NURSE BRITNEY’s voice trails off into a
sob. She buries her face in her hands. DR. CHELSEA, overcome with shock, suddenly
drops the scalpel. It lands with a
clatter on the instrument tray.)
DR.
CHELSEA and DR. TIFFANY
(In unison…)
Oh…my…god!!! What a jerk!
DR.
TODD
(Scoffing)
Huh,
Jared! What a pantload! You could do way better.
NURSE
BRITNEY
(Sniffles, smiles behind her facemask)
Thanks,
guys!
NURSE
JOSH
(Abruptly, in an alarmed tone)
Aw,
dude! Check it out! The patient’s vitals are slipping!
DR. CHELSEA
(She is clearly annoyed by the interruption)
Josh,
WTF! Can’t you see Britney’s upset? Stop being such an asshole, okay?
NURSE
JOSH
I’m
just sayin’…
DR.
TIFFANY
(There is a loud, steady tone as the PATIENT
suddenly flatlines. DR. CHELSEA turns
around, clearly agitated.)
DR.
CHELSEA
What
now? Can’t this guy leave us the hell alone for two seconds?
NURSE
JOSH
Aw,
weak! He’s dead!
DR.
TODD
What
a dick! He could’ve at least waited a
coupla minutes before bailin’ on us.
DR.
TIFFANY
Hey,
wait, this means we’re done for the day!
Let’s go out tonight!
DR. CHELSEA
Omigod,
that’s great! I just bought a low-cut
dress that totally shows off my new tattoo!
(DRS. CHELSEA and TIFFANY grasp each
other by both hands. They jump up and
down in unison)
Omigod! Omigod!
Omigod! A-i-i-i-e-e-e-e-e!
NURSE
BRITNEY
And
let’s go to the beach tomorrow! I just got
a new thong and a bikini wax! I am so
ready to forget Jared and meet some new guys!
(DRS. CHELSEA and TIFFANY
begin jumping and squealing again. NURSE BRITNEY joins in)
DR.
TODD
(Jerks his thumb toward the now
deceased PATIENT)
Uh,
what about this choad over here?
DR.
CHELSEA
(Sighs disgustedly, snapping off her
surgical gloves)
Oh,
him.
I don’t know…just call it,
already.
(Exit DRS. CHELSEA and TIFFANY and
NURSE BRITNEY, shaking their heads in annoyance at having been inconvenienced)
DR.
TODD
(Motions toward NURSE JOSH)
Dude,
like, cover him up or something!
(NURSE JOSH carelessly throws the
sheet over the PATIENT’S head)
So,
like, what’re you doin’ tonight?
NURSE
JOSH
I’m
goin’ to a rager over at my cousin’s place.
He’s got this DJ playin’ there, name’s DJ Spazzz.
DR.
TODD
Yeh-yeh-yeh! I heard of him!
NURSE
JOSH
Yeh-yeh-yeh! This dude’s, like, off the chain, yo! You comin’?
DR.
TODD
Ai’ight!
NURSE
JOSH
S-w-e-e-e-t! We outta here!
(DR. TODD and NURSE JOSH pull out
their phones and begin texting intently as they amble towards the door. Exeunt.
Fade to black…)
Fade to black, indeed…
© 2013 The Unassuming Scholar
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