It’s an informal affair, sans academic
regalia. The college president and
several of the trustees are in attendance.
Dean Kimpossible officiates. The
venue is small, with students, families, and faculty crammed cheek to jowl in a
few rows of folding chairs. Mood music
plays softly on the public address system.
The overall effect is a cross between a kindergarten graduation and a
New Age encounter session.
Following perfunctory remarks from the president,
Dean Kimpossible delivers an uplifting discourse on the limitless vistas greeting
Snowflake’s graduates, her voice occasionally breaking with emotion: “You are
extraordinary! You are the author of your life!”
Concluding her stirring commentary on living
and learning, Kimpossible introduces the class valedictorian. He’s
Kenyon Smith-Jones-Abramowitz, one of a large brood of siblings lately popping
up in Snowflake’s classrooms. Kenyon’s a
double major in yoga and bead-stringing with a 4.0 average who, Kimpossible
tells us, epitomizes the very sort of young person Snowflake College strives to
produce.
(Kenyon,
an amiable oaf sporting a scraggly beard and sunglasses, shambles up to the
podium. Shifting his weight from foot to foot like a five year old with a full
bladder and periodically brushing his hair from his eyes, he addresses the
audience.)
“I gotta say, I had a hard time coming up
with something to talk about. When
Kimpossible asked me to give the commencement speech, I was like, ‘No
way!’ And she’s like, ‘Way!’ So, I came up with something. Here it is…
“I was sitting at home the other night, and I
got to wondering: How do they get toothpaste into the tube? Cuz it’s like, sticky, y’know? So, I called up a friend and asked him what
he thought.
“He didn’t know, either. And I’m like, ‘D-u-u-d-e!’ And he’s like, ‘D-u-u-d-e!’ And I’m like, ‘I know!’
(Knowing
laughter from the audience)
“Then, I posted the question on my Facebook
page. Half an hour later, one of my professors
posted a reply. And she’s, like,
wondering the same thing. How does the toothpaste get into the tube?
(More
laughter)
“So, I guess what I’m saying is, like, it’s
great to have professors who share your curiosity like the ones we have at
Snowflake College. Stay curious,
okay? Thanks!”
(Enthusiastic
cheering as Kenyon slouches back to his seat, flashing the peace sign to his
classmates. Deeply moved by the gravitas
of his oration, Kimpossible smiles fawningly at Kenyon whilst brushing a small
tear from the corner of her eye.)
“Thank you, Kenyon, for such a heartwarming
example of how closely our faculty and students work together to answer life’s
questions, big and small.
“Now it’s time for our graduates to accept
their diplomas. As I call your name,
please come forward.”
As they walk across the stage, Kimpossible
says a few words about each student, punctuated by raucous audience approbation:
“Brytnye is
graduating with a degree in graphic rock gardening. She loves nature, so her post-graduation plan
is to get an owl tattoo on her right shoulder!”
“Kessler is receiving
his degree in canine hypnosis. Kessler
will spend this summer in Nepal meditating to unravel his bellybutton!”
“Josh is graduating
with a certificate in frolf course management.
He’s going to snowboard the Matterhorn next month—let’s hope he catches
serious air!”
“Danni has almost
finished her associate’s in arboreal aesthetics. Close enough!
You know we couldn’t let your friends graduate without you!”
“Peyton is
receiving a diploma in freeform collage design.
Peyton and her life journey partner, Brad, will have their commitment
ceremony in two weeks. We’re so excited
for them!”
And so on.
At the end of it all, Dean Kimpossible offers her closing benediction:
“As you go forth today, remember this—On your diploma, if you read between the
lines, are the words, ‘You are fabulous, and the world loves you!’”
And with that, another graduating class of
Snowflake College is ushered into an eagerly awaiting world.
© 2012 The Unassuming Scholar
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