Andrew Kehoe lived on a farm outside the
small town of Bath, Michigan in the late 1920s. A civically minded sort, Kehoe served as a
member of the Bath school board and had been the town clerk for a spell. While in office, Kehoe pursued
a single-issue agenda. Specifically, he
believed he was paying too much in school taxes. Why, he didn’t even have kids! Accordingly, Kehoe defined himself as a public
servant by insisting on strict fiscal discipline.
Kehoe’s desire not to waste the people’s
taxes on such frivolities as books, facility maintenance, and teachers’
salaries brought him into bitter conflict with the profligate district
superintendent, one Mr. Huyck. Contributing
to Kehoe’s ire was the fact that the prohibitive school taxes he was paying
were breaking his finances. He was so
financially pressed he stopped paying the note on his farm and let his
homeowner’s insurance lapse. The bank
soon informed Kehoe that it planned to foreclose, threatening his rightful stake
in the “ownership society.”
Driven to despair by the great liberal
conspiracy to destroy the productive classes, Andrew Kehoe decided to push back
against high taxes and oppressive government.
In the immortal words of Thomas Jefferson, “The tree of liberty must be
watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants,” and Kehoe
was just the sort of patriot to act upon that little nugget of wisdom handed
down by one of the founders of our great republic.
A skilled electrician, Kehoe supplemented his
slender income by doing maintenance work in the Bath schoolhouse. (No contradiction here—getting a government
paycheck is okay when you do it. It’s only
wrong when someone else does it.) While puttering in the basement, Kehoe assembled
a cache of dynamite and surplus military explosives. Wired to an alarm clock, it made a pretty
good time bomb.
Andrew Kehoe knew he had to spare Bath’s
schoolchildren from a bleak future living under the heel of a tyrannical
government. Worse, they might grow up to
live unproductive lives earning so little as to not shoulder their fair share
of the tax burden. Kehoe also knew his
wife couldn’t bear to face life without him, so he compassionately bludgeoned
her to death and set fire to their house before heading into town to go out in
a blaze of glory.
Kehoe arrived in Bath just in time to
see his plan come to fruition. The bomb
detonated with a ferocious blast. In the
confusion, Kehoe called Superintendent Huyck over to his truck. As Huyck approached, Kehoe lifted up the
.30 caliber rifle he purchased exercising his Second Amendment
right to keep and bear arms. He fired a
shot into the cab’s interior, having had the foresight to rig a bomb in the
truck for just such an opportunity. The
rifle shot set off the truck bomb, killing both Kehoe and the oppressor
bureaucrat Huyck. The bomb also sent
flying the scrap metal with which Kehoe had so thoughtfully loaded the truck, relieving
a few more people of their lives in the process.
The toll of Andrew Kehoe’s handiwork came to
45 deaths, most of them children between the ages of 7 and 12. But when you think about it, wasn’t that a
small price to pay when you’re striking a blow to preserve liberty in this
great country of ours?
Lord knows we need someone like Andrew Kehoe
today. You see, the problem with people like
Adam Lanza is that they don’t act on principle.
Because the one thing that distinguishes a patriot from a lone nut is
principle. Because someone has to defend
America from that Kenyan Muslim usurper in the White House, big government
tax-and-spend politicians, limousine liberals, welfare queens, abortionists,
Hollywood activists, the ACLU, atheists, feminists, queers, illegals, terrorists,
tree huggers, peaceniks, labor unions, community organizers, and those Occupy
freaks…oh, wait. Never mind…
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